Saturday, March 06, 2010

it started with a push of a button

I found a convergence in the force. Everybody's is getting metaclorian treatments, shots and patches. Metaclorians, the little cyber buggies that exist in technology users. Too few and you're a hunter-pecker, too many and you are a technophobe (geek, nerd, guru, wizard, hacker, cracker, iPodalist, iPhonamorph, Blackberry addict, Palmist and textologist.) You never know what you will become. It is getting so rampant folks with too many are given to hand gestures. They wave the hand and stuff happens, including getting a reactions from me.

An FDA (First Digital Accessory Inc. (what'd you think!)) clinical trial locked a man in a glass box with a solitary pushbutton until he feverishly pushed it in hope of accomplishment. The button does nothing. In the mind of the pusher, it was evoking powerful thoughts, the brain activity was off the chart. The scientist came in one night and found the box shattered by thought, so they thought. Surveillance video showed that the button got stuck and the pusher started pushing all the surfaces of the glass. He escaped, leaving a trail of finger indents down the hall. News reports flashed (no thanks to Adobe) stories of kids being pushed down and cats off the fences and cars down the street and shopping carts..... The public outcry was so dramatic, someone even wrote a song about it. "Gawl dang the pusher man."

People started imitating and mimicking, pushing each other in jest and with intent and saying when they agreed with another "I'm pushed" and when cornered "don't push me!" Pushing became a popular marketing tool and political tactic. Soon there was treatment centers for cronic-pushers, because scientist isolated the genome that started this whole thing, "Hey, haven't we seen this before, yeah dude, I'm pushed."

Meanwhile a "grassroots" movement started to resist being pushed. They offered an alternative lifestyle. These folks would force themselves beyond hunt and peck, even though they could touch type (one button only required one finger). Methodically and meticulously they limited hand gestures to fork holding and waving hello. It is rumored some uttered sound in a kind of speech, you see talking was lost with texting. Forget plastic surgery, the going thing now is vocal cord stimulation and atrophy repair and elocution classes.

The saving grace of the entire world came with the invention of the keyboard which have more than one key on it. Folks could now use more than one finger. Their lives became more fulfilling and fruitful because now they could use the whole hand instead of pointing the finger.

I think it is amazing with all the DNA science and such, the most damming evidence is still a fingerprint. Ever wonder why the single most popular laptop PC security device is the fingerprint reader?

What about that guy who escaped the FDA? His finger poking is so advanced and his mind so twisted, he went underground. Rumor has it he is the cause of water-line fractures across the US. Records show a family history starting with a man with his finger caught in a dike. I see kids all over with fingers up their noses (I never did that, got a Kleenex?). He is so legendary we gesture in his honor "flippin the bird" we call it. He is known as Big-Foot because Big-Finger is so distasteful. Industry, even NASA has celebrated his contribution, what machine doesn't have a big red one finger driven panic button?

Think I'm coo-coo!, what about that painting by Michaelangelo, you know the one where God is reaching down with one hand, finger extended to touch a human hand with finger extended. Michael, what did you see? Oh, you splashed paint in your eye, have to wipe. Yeah, I'm pushed!

come on, laugh, push the button and laugh!!

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